How to Zoom While Sitting Down

Zoom readings have changed the rules on conducting, & being at open mics, sometimes for the better, sometimes not, & sometimes just the same-old/same-old in a different format. I’ve been assembling some pointers for those just getting into this not-so-brave new world & offer these pointers based on my experience.

Don’t get there too early. In the pre-coronavirus days you could get to the bar, or coffee house, or gallery early, find a friend or two, hang out, gossip, it was part of what we did. On Zoom if you get there early it’s like getting early to a meeting at work & everyone is there & you have this group conversation that you’d rather not. Plus, on Zoom, most of the conversation ends up being about the difficulties folks had getting signed on, figuring out what they have to do, etc., & it’s all one big group-fuck conversation -- you can’t pick out that one person you really want to talk to & go off in the corner & flirt. In the category of “same-old/same-old,” one person at a recent reading who had problems getting on Zoom, & was much discussed by the organizers & I don't think ever got on, is also a person who has had perennial problems with sending out emails about his events with incomplete or wrong information — it ain’t the vehicle, it’s the nut who holds the wheel.  Of course you could get on Zoom early then mute the audio & video (see the next item) & go watch some TV until it is time for the reading to start -- sort of like hanging out at the bar watching a ball game before the reading.

Use the mute audio & the mute video button. They are along the bottom margin of the Zoom window, if you don’t see it move your pointer to the margin & it will appear. Mute your audio otherwise it is like the Tower of Babel, & mute your video if you need to pick you nose or step away to get a drink. Other useful tools along that margin include the chat function — you can send a message to everyone (why?), or to just the host (to let them know you want to sign up for the open mic), or to anyone else who has dialed in, many folks use this to comment on the poem.

Adjust your video.  Move your computer to move your camera so that your image is in the middle of the screen; I've seen poets reading so that the top of their head is all we see at the bottom of the screen — what you see is what others see so adjust the computer camera accordingly.

Play with the Virtual background. When you are signed in to Zoom you will see at the top left corner of your screen “zoom.com,” if you click on it there is a drop-down menu, click “Preferences.” You can do lots of things with the next drop-down menu “Settings.” Play around with it. You can even improve, “Touch up,” your appearance (under the “Video” option on the Settings menu). One choice is the Virtual background; there are pre-loaded backgrounds, so if your room is messy or you don’t want people to see where you are speaking from, choose a virtual background. You can also add photos from your own photo files to put you on a beach or a street corner, or, my favorite, in a bathroom. Click on the “+” sign, then select a photo from your own files. Have fun with it, even take some photos that you can use later.  Or you can just leave up your messy room with the cat puking on your desk as the background, it's up to you.

Read poems from your screen. Have your poems ready on your computer rather than loose pages strewn on your desk so that when you read you are looking straight ahead; others can’t see the text they just see you looking at your screen while you read, not the top of your head when you bend down to read the page.

Feel free to fuck-off.  Unlike in-person events where it’s rude to spend time on your phone checking emails, perusing Facebook, reading, even talking on the phone while the featured poet drones on & on, with Zoom, using the audio/video mute function, you can still be present, but folks won’t see or hear you while you talk on your cellphone, surf the internet, delete your emails, etc. You can even turn down (or mute) your computers audio so you don’t even have to hear them.  & if you fall asleep, no one can hear or see you snoring.

That said, if we were back at the Social Justice Center on the third Thursday for the open mic & you fell asleep, I wouldn't mind (in fact have done it few times) nudging you awake, it would be nice to have you there in person, awake or asleep.  Someday I hope.